Amy, I love you.

As I was leaving my bathroom on Friday, I had a Deja Vu moment. I looked into the mirror, saw my reflection, and hated it. I lived this moment a few weeks ago and sat down and penned my thoughts and feelings, but they just did not feel right. My feelings felt a little too raw to share with friends and strangers, so I kept them to myself save for just one person I told not to pass any comments on because I did not want to be fixed. I wanted to wallow in my misery and self-pity. I had no desire to be told I wasn’t all those things that I was (am still on some days) convinced that I am but today was the last straw. When I looked into the mirror and hated what I saw a question crept into my mind. I asked myself what it was going to take for me to love myself.

 Self-love has always been a foreign concept to me. I did not get a lot of “you’re beautiful” in my formative years which really is not a problem when you really think about it but I’m sure it would have helped. I did get a lot of insults though, mostly about my forehead and sometimes about my eyes. Every now and then I would also get jabs about how I’m too loud and too argumentative and, “No one will marry someone like that”. So, I generally just did not fall in love with myself because I did not see anything that I could love. Eventually, the boys caught on and began to see past the forehead and that I was pretty but that was a problem because now I had to hear it from them for me to believe it which is as unhealthy as it gets.

 As I write this, I am a whopping 26 years old and I still do not love myself. I do not even know how to love myself. Hello, my name is Amy, and I do not love myself. There I said it. Now before you start feeling sorry for me or start attempting to fix me, don’t. I do not need any of that. I do not feel like this every day but on some days I just feel like everything negative about me is more highlighted and visible than usual. On some days it feels like my forehead is bigger than usual or my body is a bit more disproportionate than usual or my skin is shades darker than usual or my voice is a little more annoying than usual or the way I walk is a bit more waddle-ey than usual (I don’t strut like normal people, I waddle like a duck). On days like this, the last thing I want to hear is someone saying, “Amy you are so beautiful”. It just rings as a lie in my mind because there’s no way you can see that and I can’t see it. It's either you’re a liar or one of us is blind (you’re blind).

 This brings us back to my question, “What is it going to take for me to love myself?” And this is where I’m stuck. I do have some days where I’m unhealthily in love with myself and I sometimes think I overcompensate on those days which I suppose isn’t too bad a thing, but I need to strike a healthy balance. This body I have, the face, the voice, the laugh (yes that hyena-esque cackle), the smile, the skin, the feet, the height, etc is what I have for life unless I decide to get some plastic surgery done or make the very bold decision to join a gym. If I don’t fall in love with all I am I’m going to be miserable my whole life because I’ll be wishing I looked or sounded like somebody else and honestly, I’m trying to enjoy my time here on earth I don’t want to waste it on wishing I was someone else instead of being myself.

 Today therefore is day zero of me loving myself. I am going to fake love myself until I love myself because enough is enough. A girl can hate herself for so long before she realizes she actually is that girl and no amount of negative self-talk can change that. This post is a love letter to myself (you just so happen to be reading it) and on days that I feel unlovable I will come back to it to remind myself that I am the only me I will ever have and that has to be enough for me to love myself.

ps. Here's a little poem I wrote myself this morning (very cringe if you ask me but I know there will be days I need to read it)

Amy, my love,

I adore you, not out of obligation, but from the depths of my heart. Your kind soul and abundant love captivate me. Your infectious smile, whether caught in the mirror or in a fleeting moment, melts my heart.

I cherish your unique humor, your unapologetic laughter, and your authenticity. Your happiness radiates from within, illuminating everything around you.

I adore your quirks: the awkwardness in social situations, your need for personal space, and your uninhibited cackle when something truly amuses you. Your depth of emotion, your vulnerability, and your willingness to feel it all inspire me.

Your writing, a reflection of your soul, reveals your heart's inner workings. I marvel at your growth, and your evolution in every aspect of life.

Amy, I love you, tall and wonderful as you are. I love everything you embody: your strength, your beauty, and your radiant spirit. 

And on days I don't remember, I will be easy on you. I hope the hate will not be loud and that my love will be echoing constantly, begging for my attention and I will remember again that I love you, Amy.